How to Be Defiant

Repositioning Defiance as a Positive Force for Change

Despite what you may assume with all the loud social media and political rhetoric, we live in what is largely a “go along to get along” world.

Breaking Free from the Fear of Defiance

Corporate corruption abounds while potential whistleblowers stay silent. Workplace abuse often goes unchallenged.

In short, good people are often afraid to defy.

Wouldn’t it be nice if defiance could be transformed from its misunderstood negative standing to a crucial, positive force for personal and social change?

Dr. Sunita Sah: A Pioneer in Repositioning Defiance

Dr. Sunita Sah is doing a masterful job of repositioning defiance as a learnable social skill that can serve us all. She’s a Cornell University psychologist and trained physician who conducts groundbreaking research on influence, authority, compliance, and defiance.

Her book is Defy: The Power of No in a World That Demands Yes.

The Disconnection between Values and Behavior

Dr. Sah cites research—consistent with what most of us know—that what people believe their values to be is often quite different from how they actually behave. What seems to be behind that difference?

“This disconnect between stated values and actual behavior often stems from psychological, social, and structural forces,” she says. “People value integrity, fairness, and justice but hesitate when real-world pressures arise. Fear of retaliation, social conditioning, and the pressure to conform make speaking up difficult. We aren’t trained for these moments, so we freeze, rationalize inaction, or comply to maintain harmony.”

Why People Resist Resisting

She says people often actively resist acting defiantly for three reasons.

1. Pressure to Comply – Social and institutional forces nudge us toward compliance, especially in professional settings where defiance can risk reputational or career damage.
2. Misunderstanding of Defiance – Many view defiance as reckless or disruptive, but it can be quiet, strategic, and values-driven.
3. Lack of Tools – Even when we recognize the need to push back, we often don’t know how, defaulting to inaction not due to lack of conviction but lack of strategy.

The Power of Defiance

Dr. Sah says defiance is a practice, not a personality. So, how can a person learn to “defy” without coming across as a perpetual nay-sayer?

Defiance is a learned skill, she says, not an inherent trait. To practice effective defiance, she suggests these three steps:

1. Anticipate – Many of the moments that test our values are predictable. At work, these might include pressure to go along with a questionable decision, overlook an ethical concern, or stay silent when you disagree. By identifying the most common situations where defiance might be necessary, you can be mentally prepared rather than caught off guard.
2. Visualize & Prepare – Picture yourself in these moments. What would you say? How would you react? Visualization is a powerful tool used by athletes and performers, and it applies here too. Take it a step further by scripting your response and role-playing with a trusted friend or mentor. The more you practice, the more natural it will feel in the moment.
3. Act with Purpose – Defiance is most effective when it’s grounded in values. When a decision or behavior conflicts with your integrity, that’s when you speak up.

The Five Stages of Defiance

Sah writes about what she calls the five stages of defiance:

• Tension – The discomfort we feel when external demands conflict with our core values.
• Acknowledgment – Recognizing this tension within ourselves is crucial. Too often we disregard our tension and push away our doubt but acknowledging our discomfort reminds us that we still have agency.
• Escalation – Externalizing our discomfort to another person. We can do this through subtle questioning and curiosity rather than confrontation. In this stage, we’re simply clarifying the situation and our concerns.
• Threat of Noncompliance – If concerns are dismissed, we now signal our readiness to defy.
• Act of Defiance – The final stage is action, whether by refusing a directive, exposing wrongdoing, or making a choice that defies expectations.

Conclusion

Defiance is a crucial skill for individuals to develop, as it can lead to positive change and personal growth. By understanding the psychology behind defiance and practicing the five stages, we can harness the power of defiance to create a more just and equitable society.

FAQs

Q: What is the primary reason people resist resisting?

A: People often resist acting defiantly due to pressure to comply, misunderstanding of defiance, and lack of tools or strategy.

Q: Can defiance be learned?

A: Yes, defiance is a learned skill that can be developed through practice and strategy.

Q: How can parents teach their children to practice strategic defiance?

A: Teach children to recognize injustice, unfairness, and unethical behavior and encourage small acts of defiance. Guide them to say, “It’s unfair to leave someone out” or “That wasn’t a kind thing to say”—not in a confrontational way, but as a proactive step toward building a better world.